FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
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[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.