You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
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I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Pringles