Me My dog
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Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
October already? What’s next? November????
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.