My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
You Might Also Like
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on