dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
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*seductively winces due to lower back pain
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback