Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
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me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Overindulged this afternoon.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.