Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
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We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
The French word for sex is croissant.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy