Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
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mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area