walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
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If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.