“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
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I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH