Had a spot of bother earlier.
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[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Lmfao
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??