And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
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Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
no refunds
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.