Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
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Life with a cat in one tweet
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Yeah. This was me today.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?