Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
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– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me