I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
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Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.