If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
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I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.