Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
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Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.