No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
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FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.