My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
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I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.