“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
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Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Had an epiphany today.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream