I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
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Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”