This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
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Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I am also baked goods
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
also my go-to takeaway order
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30