I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
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gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
lmaaaaaooooooooo