Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
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My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Cool shirt 🙂
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!