I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
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*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Maths meets science