Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
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Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I will never stop laughing at this
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.