Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard