Well, shit
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Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
In banana years, I am bread.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!