me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
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me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud