when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
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Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
My dad.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.