I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
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“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
good work, detective
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
There’s never enough good news
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse