The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
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“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
i wish we could shoplift online
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
#SaturdayBears
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now