Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
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My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
no one likes gloating
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”