shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
You Might Also Like
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Ironic
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Baller is short for ballerina
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.