I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
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Ice skating is like walking in cursive
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
mmm onion ringos
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I want this so bad
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything