You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
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Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Finished stitching this today 😇
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY