My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
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Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear