My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
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ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”