If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
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outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot