[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
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Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.