Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
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I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
see you in hell you stupid fruit
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”