It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
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“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Never ghost your hitman.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!