Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
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I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.