(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
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Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
the council will decide your fate
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
The best plant holders?
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes