Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
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[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.