No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
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My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Teach your children to beatbox
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?