Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
You Might Also Like
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
thank god
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.