I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
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Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical