5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
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If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I have two kinds of followers
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.