Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
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Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”